Is Barron Trump an Annoying Blonde?

A brief but urgent Annoying Blondes investigation.

NOTE: Special thanks to the team at Best Movie Substack who suggested this post topic. If you want to suggest I write about something for a future post, I’m all ears!

Well, let me start off with a joke: happy 2025!!!

I suppose it’s time I address the name of this Substack. My initial plan for the blog was to exclusively write about the more literal definition of “annoying blondes” —my inaugural post was a cultural deep-dive into the Kloots sisters, Trisha Paytas, and DAPs (Disney American Princesses)— but I soon decided that I’d write about whatever I wanted on AB. Most things I’m amused by fall under the category of annoying blonde anyway (it takes one to know one). The truth is I planned to post an explainer long ago, but 25% of my Substack posts never make it out of the draft folder. But now that we’re ten posts in, it’s finally time to reckon with this existential question: What exactly is an Annoying Blonde?

Let’s define the terms.

Annoying: Here at AB “annoying” is at once an adjective, a call from above, a state of mind. It represents an irksomeness; something that rubs you the wrong way. Annoying can be an invitation to scratch an itch; annoying can be a note of caution to admire from afar; annoying can also be a long scenic drive towards insanity.

Blonde: Someone or something with frivolity at the core of their energy. Frivolity is not always a bad thing, but it can be.

Below I’ve organized select topics I’ve already covered at AB on the Official Annoying Blondes Matrix:

Yes, “having blonde hair” does often place you in the top right quadrant, but not always. Any questions???

Good. Now we can get back to the topic at hand: whether or not Barron Trump is an Annoying Blonde.

In an inevitable turn towards Armageddon, Trump is president again. This time co-presidents include Ugly Zuckerberg, Ugly Bezos, and Ugly Elon (second generation Nazi, world’s richest man). But there is also someone new. If you watched the inauguration procession, you likely noticed that on at least two occasions the camera showed Trump’s son Barron standing just behind the podium where his father would soon be sworn in— a ridiculous yet ominous image suggesting he might one day inherit the throne.

Barron Trump is six foot seven and eighteen years old, and there has been understandable curiosity surrounding him as he enrolls in college and embarks on the universal journey towards personhood. The rest of Trump’s children are in their 30s and 40s and have revealed themselves to be jokes, so Barron is a tabula rasa of sorts. Even if he’s living at home and not slumming it in student housing like, say, Lizzie Olsen did the year we both lived in Hayden, people are curious about how he’ll spending his college years. Even if every sign points to him becoming a fully realized Trump by the time he graduates, he hasn’t yet been imbued with any sort of moral code or sense of self; if anything, more has been made about his choice to matriculate at NYU, of all places.

So in order to assess where Barron falls on the Annoying Blondes matrix (if at all), we need to take a look at the cold hard facts. Below are some stats and rumors to take into consideration:

His height

• 6’7’’ (quite tall, though standard for a professional basketball player)

Cultural Identifiers

• Nepo baby.

• A New Yorker who seems to have spent the majority of his adolescence in New Jersey.

• A Fighting Violet.

Hobbies

• Video games.

• Specifically FIFA.

• Asking fellow NYU students their Discord usernames and challenging them to video games online.

• Real estate??? but more on that later.

Rumors

• One co-ed says “He hardly exists.”

• His custom tailor says “He’s just fascinating.”

• I have it on good authority from an insider source that he “plays pick up basketball at Palladium gym.”

• His old behavioral analyst on Twitter says he was bullied as a child… but that he also killed animals, threw a desk, spat on people, attacked someone with a knife, and was accused of sexual assault at a sleepover.

• Aubrey O’Day, former member of Danity Kane and Donald Trump Jr’s ex-soulmate, claims to have texts calling Barron a “little shit asshole” who throws plates of food at flight attendants on private jets.

• His mother Melania is “very proud of what he grew up to [be].”

New and Old Memes

• There are a lot of memes about him stimming but I don’t feel like finding them.

• This meme focuses on his height.

• This meme jokes that a Tisch girl is ruining his life (wishful thinking).

• This was Trump’s formal public introduction of Barron at the inauguration. You should watch, but I’ll also include the abridged transcript:

  
  “And then I have a very tall son named Barron. Has anyone never heard of him? He knew the youth vote… he said you gotta go out and do Joe Rogan, do all these guys, and we did….They're all great, right Barron? They were all good? He understands the market.”
  

  When I compare this to my dad’s speech at my Sweet Sixteen I feel really sad for him and totally understand why he couldn’t relax his shoulders. But, it’s curious that Trump is fully crediting Barron with winning them the youth vote in an overwhelming majority.

Deliberation time + a quick “weave”

Readers of an earlier draft (my husband) believes that Nepo Babies, as a whole, are Annoying Blondes-coded. I agree with this: the average nepo baby is extremely annoying, and certainly blonde.

I have had another high-profile Nepo Baby on my mind this week: North West, Kim and Kanye’s firstborn, because she is currently in the studio with her father recording her debut album. Kanye says chopping up beats for her has made him love music again.

North West is 11 to Barron’s 18, but they have much in common. Both have controversial fathers; both their births were national news. From the time a toddler-aged North screamed “NO PICTURES” at the paparazzi some seven years ago, people have been calling her a Mini Kanye. This has continued anytime she says or does something cool, amusing, creative. Sometimes she does something that reminds people of Kim, but mostly, it’s Kanye; he’s the bigger personality.

This North West feature slaps; it’s also pretty annoying.

Barron was pointedly kept out of the spotlight during Trump’s first term (he is rumored to have an ASD diagnosis)… but has anyone ever called him “Mini Trump?”

Barron, age 10, at the 2017 inauguration.

Monday’s inauguration feels like the first time the administration is outwardly positioning Barron as an heir to the financial and political legacy his father is paving. For historical context, when King Louis XV knew he was dying, he presented his five-year-old grandchild to the public as his successor, at a time when France was not fucking with the monarchy; it was a move to reinforce the reign’s legitimacy. That’s the vibe I’m getting from Barron right now: his suit; the mimicking of his father’s hand gestures; his father’s hair, which I need to point out is nearly the same hairstyle Jack Dawson has when he is invited to eat in the first class dining room; and most importantly, the quiet, coinciding news that Barron is following in his father’s footsteps by launching his own real estate development company.

So while Nepo Babies in general are definitely Annoying Blondes, and while Barron Trump would also fit the bill if he were at Gallatin studying, say, “Post-War American History and the Evolution of Video Games,” he exists in the context. To be an Annoying Blonde, you must be giving life in some way— there needs to be a folly to your existence that can inspire fun. Or if you’re not fun, I need to at least have fun thinking about you. But I am not having much fun thinking about Barron Trump, to be honest! It’s all just a little too fucking scary: as I write this I’m reading reports that the Trump administration has shut down all Spanish language websites and social accounts for the White House, meaning that our Constitution is no longer available to read in Spanish. Times are dark so take care of yourselves. Hopefully this post doesn’t land me on some sort of watchlist, though I’m probably already on one for posting pro-Luigi memes on Ugly Zuckerberg’s Instagram.